And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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