if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
what day is it and did you see me today?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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