not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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