there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
