My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
