Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
