Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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