I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
