A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
