I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
