You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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