I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
