there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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