this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
