sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
