I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
