So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
