come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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