I'm drive I can fine osifer
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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