I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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