i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
