remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
