My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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