i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
