I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
