Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
