1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I can't turn off my feet"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
