We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
