I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
