I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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