I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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