I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
