Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
