I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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