You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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