i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
