my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
