She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
