Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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