my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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