Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
