Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
