No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
two words: eviction party
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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