I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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