remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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