You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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