Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
