just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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