does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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