He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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