There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
