I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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