sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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