Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
