I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
